*sigh*


Assalammualaikum and good evening guys.

Tonight's weather is quite comfy; not too cold and yet not too chilly. Just nice. But somehow it made me feel, I don't know, sad maybe. Or miserable. I don't know. What my heart tells me is something even I cannot decode. I cannot understand what it says. A storm just hit, the feeling is just like that. Exactly like that.

Can you even understand what I am saying? I don't understand it myself. *sigh*

Anyways, I got test 2 this Friday for pad214. And it's killing me cause I haven't study anything yet. Plus, next week, I have another three subjects to settle for test 2. Just another 'nice' thing to focus on, how glad :')

Yesterday, our faculty held the MAD (majlis anugerah dekan) especially to appreciate the dean's list students. I am happy for them. Though me and my classmates are not on the list last semester. So, there are a lot of updates in my following list whether in their Instagram story or their profile. And I, was unwillingly had to look at them for the whole day. I'm happy for them, but I am jealous, sad, angry, disappointed of myself and then there's storm inside my head and my heart. Pressure? Maybe. Jealousy? No.

I am fully aware of my capabilities though. So I think I deserved what I got last semester. My effort was just there. High, but not enough to get me there among them. I am determined to get to the list this semester. As a reward for abah and mama to replace my not-so-good SPM result. I really do.

I'm just, traumatized, I guess. By my pointer back in the college. I got 3.49. Enough to make me first for the second-upper class for graduation, but not enough to allow me to get to the first-upper class. Imagine, you're in the queue behind the last person for the first-upper class. So your name is the first to go for the second-upper class. I had to literally stand at the side of the stage for my name to be announced. For about two minutes, while the emcee briefly finished the first-upper class list to get on with the second-upper class students.

I even begged my teacher to add some marks to my tests and assignments, but there's nothing can be done. Really. It does affect my heart in a certain way. Maybe that's why I am feeling this way. The feeling of not doing enough. Not giving enough.

I want to resume my achievements. The last time I think I succeed was during the first semester in college. I somehow managed to get 3.65. I was so proud then. Thinking that I can do this. Even though it is a new school for me, and I am far away from my family; the source of my strength all this time. But I managed, though that was the first and there was another time I got a pointer above 3.50. I made sure I reach no less than 3.00. Alhamdulillah I succeed.

So I really hope I can continue that here, in the university. But better. I am aiming the dean's list. I've heard before it is easier to score and get into the list in the university compared to then, in the college. So I really had set my mind for the dean's list the second my application was approved. I set my mind for the dean's list because I really, badly want to redeem my SPM grades.

Moving on, I think I'll call it a day. Later I will find some time to update yeah.

Wassalam xoxo.

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