Blue


     Today, I feel like telling a story. A story, that are long kept for the sake of nothing.

     One fine day, while waiting for the train. I saw this girl. I know her. She is sweet, always smiling. She is smart too, very brilliant. She would laugh at just about anything. Her smile is beautiful. She knows how to dress well, presentable most of the time. She have many friends too. Why do I know so much? I told you, I know this girl.

     She always carry and present herself as somebody that is strong. You could throw anything at her; and she would just brush it off. Or it seemed to be like that. You know she is brilliant. When only you could see beneath all that surface @ cover, that she is actually struggling. She hide them so well that nobody actually know what her real feelings are. Everybody's struggling. What's so special about her anyway? It's because I know her. That is why her struggle is special.

     Confidence. She wear it like her favourite sweater. Or like her favourite shade of lipstick. She always speak her mind. If she sense that something is not right or when somebody annoys her or if someone ask for her opinion, she'd always spill the truth. The way she dress too. Others found that is one of her specialty as they would never have the courage to dress up the way she does.

     She has dreams. Always. She would always be reminded of her dreams. She is one who you know will fight her way so that her dreams come true. She works hard for them. Everybody knows that. And her friends would always support her. Help her even, when she needed help occasionally.

     She wants everyone by her side to be happy. She always does. And this is the start of her struggle. She strive so hard that it seemed pointless sometimes. This is the part which I don't understand. Why would you go the distance for everyone though you know you don't have the capabilities to do so? Why are you playing tough? Humans are human. Everybody gets that. But no. She'd still do it. All those things about her I told you earlier, it is just her mask. I see that, in reality, she is struggling.

     She has insecurities. So much of them it won't fit in this blog, even. She made a mistake. You see, she thought she did the right decision to hurt one lesser than it would hurt her. She was wrong. Cause she hurt the one she always have her mind on. Someone who would show up in her dreams, when she longs for that person so much. So much that even her tears couldn't be contained in her sleep. Her eyes that are shutting so closely and her subconscious mind that are so deep in sleep would give up too, and just raining tears. All that she remembers in the morning when she's all awake again is the tear marks on her face. Nothing more.

     So she was wrong. She knew. Every one or another, she would tap the text button on her phone to spill her yearning. After one full page of text, she would once again, tap the delete button. So the text box on her phone would be empty one more time.

     She would never tell anybody her deepest feelings. Why? Because that is the way she is. She is so worried by the fact that her thoughts or personal feelings would bother those around her. I see that. The only way to get her talking about it all is when you approach her. So slow so careful and so patient, ask her about her deepest feelings. She'd then slowly, open up too. She'd be reluctant. But don't give up. It's just her nature. She is anti-social on the inside that she doesn't know how to express herself; causing all of her feelings to be weld up, compressed in her small little heart. Suffocating, and eventually drown her. She has fought herself so many times already. And always, her feelings would be the winner. She'd never open up. That is the reason why she seemed so perfect on the outside. She never learn to open up.

     Or she could never have the courage to trust people with her feelings. The way I see it, she speak of her mind contrarily. You know how it works, right? When she said something like "Just give up.." she actually meant, "Say you'd fight for this." Or when she said, "I don't mind you hating me.." she wanted you to actually say "I could never hate you.". Or when she let go, she wants you to catch her back up. But, that's the thing you see. Nobody see @ understand that. Only those who watch her very closely would see.

      And yet sadly, there's none who watch her as close as I do.

    That's the story I got to tell you, about a girl I know. She might be somebody beside you. Somebody close to you. You just need to watch close enough to see that. And that girl might also be; YOU.